Can't be everything to everyone...

First off Happy Birthday to the greatest mother in the world! Thanks for being so awesome all the time!

December 3rd, 2009. Time is flying by and yet sometimes it seems to be crawling along. Somedays my mind is racing and I can't figure out where to start and then the next day I can't get out of bed to get my day started. There is a lot going on with everyone. The past couple weeks it just feels like we are on the edge of something. Good, bad, indifferent it just feels like something is about to break. It's just this feeling of pressure from everywhere at work, at home, with friends. I don't think it's just me either because other people have mentioned it.

I think one of the things I've struggled with for a while is trying to be everything to everyone. To try and do everything. I struggle with limits and saying no and sometimes saying yes. I can't live peoples lives for them and while sometimes I want to prevent people from making mistakes that I've made, but at the same time people need to learn for themselves. That's so hard to experience because I have this problem with caring. I fucking care alot and it fucking sucks to watch people you care about get hurt, because I take that with me. I'm always thinking about other people and their shitty situations and how I can fix it. Most times I can't fix it, I may not be able to help, but I just can't wrap my brain around that. I just want to tell people that everything is going to work out and we are all going to be okay, but the scary part is I don't know if that's true. Maybe it's not going to be okay, maybe shit is just going to get worse.

And I don't know if there is actually more bad shit going on or if I just am more aware of it. It's kind of like cancer. When I was younger I didn't really know about cancer because I didn't know anyone with it, or if I did people didn't talk about it, because cancer sucks and who wants little kids to worry about that. But now that we are older I feel like it's everywhere. Like seriously old, young, good, bad tons of people are dealing with cancer or know someone dealing with cancer. I don't know if there is more cancer and more bad shit going on in the world or if I'm just more aware of it. Screw people who say awareness is good. It would be much easier to not care if I didn't know all this shit was going on.

Then I try not to care, and I come off as an asshole and I'm totally not an asshole. I wish I could just go on cruise control or have a day where I don't hear about other people's problems and just sit back and talk about fun stuff like music or TV or go see a movie and just veg out. I need a vacation without anyone as weird as that sounds. Maybe even just hang with a random group of people where there is no pressure and no expectations. I can't be alone, because I hate being alone. So definitely in a crowd of people, hm.

So for now I'm going to continue caring, but just focus on productivity and try to be better at everything. I need re-prioritize some things in my life and maybe make a few sacrifices.

But here's hoping that we will all be okay, that the dust will settle and we'll all figure out whatever we are struggling with. And if not that we'll continue to fight the good fight because tomorrow could be the day that it all turns around (when I win the lottery and buy an island in the Carribean).

-Sh

"At the end of every hard earned day, people find some reason to believe" - BS