Sunday, January 27, 2008

Been a long week, going to be a long post.

So I had some time last weekend in Vermont to start thinking, which is never good, for my die-hard readers especially. Anyone who has been reading for a decent amount of time knows that when I think I tend to write for days if not longer on the blog about things and tend to over analyze and dissect everything that has happened and what it could possibly mean. Some of you become very concerned for my well being and others of you will skip over this one all together because you don't have the time to read it. Both of which are understandable. I will probably not go back myself and read this once it's posted (unless Steve points out grammatical errors that I'll feel obliged to fix.)

Okay so let's get into it. I'm in this limbo state right now. Not really in the real world, not really a student. Yes I'm technically in classes and technically a senior, but if I posted my syllabi for my classes you would laugh and think that I might as well be paying $16,000 to fingerpaint. (That isn't to say that I'm not learning anything, don't worry Mom it's totally worth it) It's weird not knowing where I'm going to be in a couple months. To not know where I'm going to be living or working. Earlier this year, I was nicknamed the Gypsy and understandably so. For the past year or so I hadn't really lived in one spot or held one job (which sucks now that I have to file a tax return in like 4 states and 3 countries). I also have never had a problem sleeping on a couch or floor or eating peanut butter and banana sandwiches for weeks at a time. I guess I go with the flow and make the best of what's around. I enjoy the fact that I don't know where I'm going or doing at any given moment, because it keeps life exciting. Or at least it has kept life exciting, now it seems like a frightening prospect.

One thing that I think I've lost in the shuffle and the Gypsy lifestyle is some good friends. Sometimes I feel like I go through 'best friends' like Boscoe goes through raw hide bones. I'm not the greatest at keeping in touch with people (no where near as bad as my cousin Caitlin. CALL ME ALREADY). I expect people to make the effort and keep in touch with me I guess. So instead of putting in the effort to pick up the phone, I pass the buck on them and have a somewhat cocky, 'their loss' attitude. In hindsight, it's my loss. I also tend to push people away if I think they are getting too close. I trust people alot. Probably more than I should. I guess I assume everyone is awesome. So I go out and put everything on the table, I go out of my way and stick my neck out to stick up for people and then sometimes I get burned. You get burned too many times and you stop putting your hand out. I get burned, I lose faith in people for a short bit, and I usually end up going the complete opposite of my usual self. I begin to believe that all people suck. Instead of people having to go out of the way to disappoint, you really have to go out of your way to prove to me that your are awesome and worth me putting myself out there. It's become all or nothing. You either get 100% of me or you get nothing. It's a take it or leave it kind of deal.

It's nice to find people who share that. Who will give you 100% in return. It's rare and I can probably count those friends on one hand (even if I haven't kept in great contact with some of them, damn I really need to work on that). I had a conversation earlier today about how disappointed I was and how I was frustrated with a lot of things that were going on, and it was put in to perspective for me. "It's more important to have one great friend than a handful of mediocre ones." It's so true. That's not to say that mediocre or even good friends are disposable or unimportant, it's just that I need to learn that those friends come and go, and that's okay.

I've also come to realize that it's easier to avoid talking and getting to know someone in group settings. Tonight Justin and I talked about signs that we are old, specifically how we are outgrowing large group activities. Personally, I'd much rather have a small gathering of friends or a one on one, than a huge party. With big parties you are trying to split your time between everyone that is there or you're isolating yourself from the group by not trying to split your time. It's fake and a front and you are trying to please everyone. Whereas if you are one on one or just a few people you can actually dedicate your time and effort to the conversation, somewhat stress free. Sometimes it's nice to get lost in the crowd of a big party, but other times all you want is some stimulating conversation. I think our generation has lost that. Even with my best friend, I have more intimate conversations online than ever in person. I guess I'm guilty as well. I never talk about this shit, it's just easier to put it all down on paper (at least that's what we used to do before this blog thing was created). Some of the best conversations I've ever have been one on one in the car driving. That's why sometimes I really miss my car.

Okay that's it for now, there is alot of other things floating around in this head of mine, but I can only decompress so much at one time. So don't worry. I'm okay, I promise, just needed to get some stuff of my chest. Looking forward to the next couple weeks as I begin to organize and plan, even though it scares me. It's a little bit of a reassurance when strangers after about an hour of service at CPK tell me that I have a bright future. (Some older gentleman at lunch today asked me my life story and then said well whatever you do, I'm sure you will be successful, he also asked me to try and explain myspace and facebook, luckily I had another table to greet.)

Much love.

"When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy."

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